As a seasoned karaoke professional, I’ve been to a lot of karaoke nights at places ranging from dive bars to live music venues who have nothing better to fill their Monday night time slot.  So, given my illustrious knowledge in the field, I decided to share my wisdom with the public. Therefore, next time you’re at karaoke trying to decide what song to sing, you’ll be making the world a better place. One off-key note at a time.

Top 5 Songs to Sing – one of these should make it into the rotation every night. If not, well then, it’s a damn shame.

1) Don’t Stop Believing. Simply due to the fact that I like to bring a little hope to the bars with me. Like that guy in the back who is trying to ask out that girl. Or that chick at the bar trying to muster up the courage to do one more jagerbomb. Yeah, a dose of inspiration brought to you by people who can’t sing the song nearly as well as the original.

2) Total Eclipse of the Heart. Umm… anyone seen Old School? Need I say more? If you can keep a straight face, man will you be cool. Also, the dance moves you can bust out to this song are awesome. I especially like to pull out the old “turn your back on the audience, hold the mike in your left hand at your side, and count down the rest of the interlude with your right hand in the air” move.

3) Living on a Prayer. This is a good one to sing if you can’t sing. Because even if you’re completely off key, EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the bar will be singing as LOUD as they can with you. No one will even notice. You can even do the quintessential rocker move in letting the audience sing for you if you start to blank. Ah the beauty of Karaoke.

4) The Guns and Roses classics Paradise City and Welcome to the Jungle A little GNR never hurt nobody (well except for that lame comeback they attempted a couple years ago) The line “you know where you are? You’re in the jungle baby!” is enough to make the soberest person in the room drunk. Drunk with sheer joy.

5) Any song that appears on the “Monsters of Rock as seen on TV” collection. These include (but are not limited to):  Cum On Feel The Noize by Quiet Riot, Once bitten Twice Shy by Great White, and Here I go Again by Whitesnake. And the band Ratt. I have no idea what songs they sing, but haha Ratt. With two “T’s.”

Top 5 songs Never to Sing at Karaoke.  Of course there are some songs that no matter what, someone will sing. Just make sure its not you. Feel free to steal my lines when making fun of the people who do actually sing these abominations to society.

1) Whitney Houston. People come to karaoke to get drunk and have a good time. Don’t bring us down with your American Idolesque rendition of “I Will Always Love You.” Nobody cares that you used to sing solos in your high school choir. 

2)  Paradise by the Dashboard Light.  Being that this song is over 10 minutes long and it, well, sucks, you’re just going to piss off a room full of people who have been downing shots since happy hour began 3 hours ago. If you’re a guy, it’s a big turnoff to the girls as well. Plus, you run the risk of guys with bigger arm muscles than you pounding your face in due to the fact all the girls will not be the slightest bit horny after listening to this song. In fact, the only “girl” who will be horny is the 40 something bar fly in the corner who lost her virginity to this song in 1978.

3) Ice Ice Baby.  This is by far the most played out Karaoke song. Not really, actually I almost never hear it. Its just that everyone always thinks its going to be funny, but it never is. It’s the karaoke song that just never lives up to expectations. Kinda like my older brother. Its the Jeremy Duff of karaoke.

4) Like A Virgin.  I know, I know, this is a great song, right? Too bad it is almost always attempted by a bunch of airheaded girls and 20 of their not so closest friends. So basically, all you hear for 3 and a half minutes is a lot of background music, giggling, and one tapping her mike saying “guys!!! Is this on?” Plus the majority of the girls are sulking because they got dragged onstage (”c’mon! it’ll be fun!”) while their two friends that actually do sing butcher a Madonna classic.

5) Anything by Donny & Marie. I don’t care how much or how “little bit” country or rock n roll you are. Unless you’re in Branson, and the rest of your family of 8 are joining you in matching bedazzled costumes, we don’t need to hear it (in fact, I’m pretty sure I never want to hear it. Branson sucks. Its like Vegas – except without the fun).

 By the way, they don’t really want you to sing “Free Bird,” they’re just taunting you.